I am writing this here as I don’t have any other place to put it.
In the digital world, privacy goes out the window unless you are extremely diligent. Normally it is not something that bothers me as I actually use the aspect of interwebs as a form of therapy. It’s a way to expose my thoughts and open myself up without having to call or write a bunch of people directly.
It also acts as a stopgap from me saying things that shouldn’t be said.
But lately I feel like it has become (in certain locations) a restriction. Not even that. To completely honest I find myself almost (but not quite) lying about what I am actually thinking and feeling. All for the sake of others.
I can’t say that I have this almost crushing “crush” on someone that will never be fulfilled. It’s one of those things that I want to tell everyone and anyone about it. More so this person.
But unfortunately, there are too many people that would be hurt, pissed or both if I were to post it publicly. Not to mention it would most likely make things worse with this person.
The point is, after all these years, I haven’t learned a damn thing. I can’t settle, I tried that and failed. I can’t push to make something work, that fails as well. I have tried removed and complacent and that won’t get anyone anywhere.
I have approached the whole thing from a very intense analytical point of view and I have gone with the flow. There is no honest solution.
And the main kicker…I’m tired. I am tired of trying it all. I want to stop. I seriously want to stop. And I was going along at a pretty good pace. Then things just keep happening and it starts all over again.
What I really need to do is to just break all contact with this person. But that, I feel, will just make the whole thing so much worse.
So, here I am again. You would think I would become rather cozy with the Rock and Hard Place I have been calling my home.
I think right now, I need to embrace the fable of Sisyphus. I think there may be something learned there.
We shall see