Today was a fun day, but a little sad. My roommate was flying a kite today. Actually, she had flown her kite into a tree. I ran out and bought two more and we were both attempting to fly kites with her daughter.
So picture it. Two grown adults, failing at trying to fly kites because I haven’t done it since I was like 10 or earlier and she hadn’t done it at all. All this with a 3 year old watching. It was fun and awesome. But afterwards, I was a little sad. (Talk about irony). I had a really good time but then it reminded me that I have made it this far in life and I don’t have a family of my own. I am 37, single and no kids. On the books, it looks kinda pathetic. If this were the middle ages, I would be thought incompetent. (Of course, if this were the middle ages, I would be dead. LOL)
How did I get here? There is a artistic school of thought that when you carve or chisel something, you don’t really do it with something in mind. That you just keep taking away the excess till that which was there the whole time is exposed.
I find that this is the way that my life works. I have attempted to try to work towards something in the past and it kind of turned to crap. So lately I have been working on just chiseling away the excess to expose what has been there the whole time. Problem is, lately I feel like I may eventually remove too much until there is nothing left. Or worse, that there was nothing there to begin with.
I think that there is a certain curse or unfortunate sense of balance for open minded people. When you are an open minded person and open to the possibilities of anything working out, you don’t ever really find anything to even try to make work out.
What I mean is, I am not that picky of a person. (I have tried, but it just doesn’t quite work for me.) I will date older and younger, with kids or without. I will go out with conservative and liberal, Christian and non-Christian, every race and creed. I am like US Customs up until the great depression. (I sometimes have thought that I should have a plaque at my feet that says “Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to eat free)
But because of this bit of “open door” nature, it means that I don’t really meet anyone. It’s a bit of the dance club mentality. If I had a big club and let everyone in, nobody would want to go there. But if I put a complete asshole doorman on the door, and told him to not let anybody in unless they looked like an underwear model, everybody in a three state area would want to go to this club.
So the question becomes, do I change into something that I’m not, in the hopes that something might happen? Or, do I stay the same way that I am now, which took a long time to get to and who I actually like, with the prospect of being alone the rest of my life? To me, the answer has been pretty obvious, it’s just a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I have fought pretty hard the last 10 years to get here and I don’t want to take any steps back. I finally reached a point in my life where I like myself. I just want to find somebody else that digs it too. But I would rather be myself and alone that being something I’m not and never really happy, or have the chance to be happy.
The reality is, there is always someone out there that has it worse than me. It sucks, that this is the case. But at the same time, I have to remember to “count my blessings”. I have cat who digs me, a roommate that puts up with me, a job I enjoy and friends that are there for me when I need it.
So one piston in the engine isn’t firing. Oh well. It could be worse and I could be broke down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Honestly, It feels like I’m enjoying the better gas mileage but upset because it makes so much noise.
I don’t know. Do you think my roommate would mind if I just pretended that we were a family?
Might be a little weird
But who knows? Weird is my middle name